QuestionAbel Parenting

Sam and I were very excited to finally see “Hamlet 2.”  We were in Edmond for the day, an hour’s journey from Stillwater, and I couldn’t have been happier.  The previews, the reviews!  All pointed to a positive film experience.  Too bad.

“Hamlet 2″ is not that good at all.  There are a few spots that I laughed out loud at.  Comedy of the year, though?  Comedy isn’t even the genre, really.  The movie itself is confused as to where it would sit in a video store.  The plot follows poor teacher Dana Marshz (Steve Coogan) as his life falls apart.  I suppose we are supposed to laugh at him as his life gets worse and worse.  But things just aren’t that funny.

What upsets me most is what upsets me most about most movies (most mosts award!).  This could have been a lot better.  First and formost, the trailer is horribly guilty of the “show only the funny parts” crime.  More unfortunate is that these funny bits are better in the trailer when taken out of context of the film.  There are several ways this movie could have been better.

The trailer could have shown a more honest portrayal of what we were getting ourselves into.  It’s really not the madcap comedy I felt we were being shown.  It’s trying to be witty and self-aware, and Juno-ish.  It wasn’t, but preparation for that experience might have gotten the right people in the theater.

Steve Coogan’s character was confusing to me.  I’m not sure if he really knew what was going on in the world around him.  He played so over the top a person, I could never tell if he was serious or not.  If he really cared about what was going on or if he just had no idea what was happening.  He wasn’t a person – more a ghost throughout the film.

Editing was a big problem, too.  Several sequences could have easily been omitted or clipped down.  There is a scene in which Coogan goes (drunk) to buy booze on his roller skates (a funny bit, yes).  It seemed intended to just be a funny spot.  It added nothing to the story, character, or movie as a whole and was just more crap to sit through.  I don’t think it would have been terribly better, but I would argue tighter editing might have made it more watchable.

Finally, either the direction or the writing needed to be far, far more mature.  What I saw was a good idea for a movie.  It never decided if it was a madcap comedy or a story of following through with your dreams.  There were subplots detailing both.  Which was it?  Neither.

In the end, we are happy.  Because it’s over.  Just not that great a movie.  Skip it, I tell you.  Skip it.

Well, I wrote a few days ago about Suzanne Collins’ Gregor and How I Was Enjoying It.  I have since finished the series in one crazy up late reading session and must say Bravo to Ms. Collins.  Applause would not be look down upon.

The final book (“The Code of Claw”) is a dangerous book.  A war is fought.  People are dying.  Gregor struggles with his identity.  A serious struggle.  He is 12 years old fully in this book, every bit as emotional and confused as any 12 year old.  And he must be 12 while the entire kingdom looks at him with wonder.

There are no perfect characters in Gregor.  There’s no one who could really be looked at as the on moral compass to guide him.  The closest person is a rat who no one is sure can even be trusted.  We get very little backstory on Ripred (the rat) and even what we do get is just snippets.  Little appetizers of information.

And the ending is not perfect.  In that things don’t turn out all neat and pretty.  There is no window into the future of 19 years later or whatever silly number is picked.  Gregor returns home and wonders how he will fit back into modern society.  After spending the past few months killing giant rats and having to wash blood from his skin, he is unsure what he can do to stay sane.  He doesn’t jump out onto the Overland happy to be back, smile on his face and everything just so.

There is a subplot as to whether or not the family will move from NYC to Virginia to live easier.  It is never resolved.  You get the sense that Gregor will be okay, but that thing will continue to move forward.  The Underland is at peace.  But we have no idea if it will really stay that way.  This is just one part of a long tale and it is told in a way that is very satisfying.

And it’s told in five books.  The perfect number!

Is practically non-existent.  The local theater has 10 screens.  They are showing six movies.  BLEARGH! (imagine illustration here)

This is a grevious error!  Now, there is talk some of the theaters are being remodelled, but the movies selected are driving me batty.  There is no one in this town who wants to see Babylon AD.  Which, by the way, is the only new movie coming out tomorrow in Stillwater.  We have no Hamlet 2.  We have not even College.  We don’t even have that idiotic Disaster Movie.  What the Hell is going on over there?

Don’t even get me start on that “Disaster Movie” garbage.  When is a spoof not a spoof?  When it’s that crap.  It’s like “Not Another Teen Movie.”  Every character archetype INTRODUCES THEMSELF.  We obviously cannot tell who they are so there is a speech:  “I’m the pensive blogger who is too scared to talk in public and can’t afford a soapbox, because I’m too busy paying off my iMac and T1 connection.”  This is how they talk.  And I’ve not seen a “….. Movie” in ages.

Sometime, perhaps, I’ll post my crazy-ass Space movie spoof online.  It’s a rip-snorting cage-fest of idiocy.  And it’s way better than any of that crap.  Written in 7th grade.  That was 14 years ago.

I went to the Free Fair tonight.  Sam stayed home, having to study for an exam tomorrow.  I was checking it out and hoping to score an Obama yard sign.  And eat a funnel cake.  God, it’s like heaven from hot fat.

Fairs demonstrate the ideal that makes us all American.  Our love of deep frying everything.  Don’t deny it.  As repulsive as it may sound, we are all guilty of stuffing our faces with this stuff.  I know I am.  Technically, I don’t think some of it is really food.  What can you do?

Anyway, I was trying to get a yard sign.  Did they have any?  No.  Of course, the GOP booth had tons of McCain signs.  You know.  Because they can’t get rid of them.  Ha!  I thought about jumping the curb, so to speak, and helping the lone old man in the DNC booth.  The problem is that I am a registered Michigan voter.  Who will listen?

The big speech is tonight, yes, yes.  I will probably watch Scrubs or something.  There is little Obama can say to convince me to vote for him.  You know, since he already did that four years ago when he first came on the scene.  The man is oratorlicious.

In business news, I sent out a query letter a week ago to the local Magazine.  “Stillwater Living” is its name.  No response yet, so I will call tomorrow.  I don’t know exactly how to approach it.  On the one hand, its a magazine with a masthead and everything.  On the other hand, its riddled with grammatical errors.  What can one do?

Ah, now here is a fun and interesting series.  Suzanne Collins’ Gregor the Overlander.  The premise be that Gregor is a prophesied warrior for the Underland.  Which is an area underground.  But Gregor’s from NYC, and his mom is a bit over-protective.  Which makes for fun reading.

The first book in the series was a bit boring, to be honest.  Not the best way to start a reccomendation, I know, but I was informed by a good source (fourth grader) that it gets better.  And it does!

We have the rapid prose and events of a youth book done very well.  Lot’s of ground is covered, many things happen, and fantastic events unfold.  Collins explains things well enough without getting into any boring details.  The books have all been quite unique.  They follow a bit of a pattern, but not in any way as predictable as Percy Jackson.  Oh, Percy.  Break that shell, will you?

What’s nice, too, is that it’s a five book series.  Five!  Not seven or thirteen, but five!  I like those kinds of series.  You know who else told stories in five parts?  Shakespeare.

Collins is no Shakespeare, but she is a bard in a way with this fantastic tale she has spun.  I definitely recommend it.

Lately, I have been having a hard time getting any writing done.  It is understandable – at least to me.  I have spent most of the summer without a good time to write.  And now, I am unemployed which takes the wind from sails.  I always enjoy writing more when I feel like I should be doing something else.  You know.  Like working.  Anyway, no job yet if you were wondering.

What I have been looking at lately is the Alpha Smart Neo.  Just google Alpha Smart and you can find it.  It’s a great little gizmo.  All you can do is write on it.  Even with pen and notebook, you can’t just write.  You can still draw and distract.  But this thing – it’s typing only!  Now that’s really cool.

We may be getting a new laptop through Sam’s school, but I am unsure that I really want a fully functional laptop.  Whenever I take it somewhere to “write” I end up “Web-Surfing.”  What good does that do?  No good at all.  That’s what.

Well, the weekend is over.  Which isn’t much to me as I’m still trying to find a job.  What today has brought is allergies.  My nose is stuffy and runny and shows no signs of stopping.  Other than that…

It’s an interesting thing, allergies.  My body is defending me from things that pose no threat, while it slowly makes me more and more miserable by the second.  I think if I should ever be given the power to cure one ailment for all mankind, it would be allergies.  This is incredibly selfish, yes, but it is how I feel today.  Also, I think there are several people who could be working on cures for other things and they are distracted by their own allergies.

Only by suffering can people know what it is like.  Those allergic folk like me know what I’m talking about.  It’s not anywhere near the suffering of many other ailments – but it does suck hardcore.  You see there?  When do I talk like that normally?

So, that’s all I have got for today.  No, really.  Everything else is minutae.

I have the best ideas as I drift off to sleep.  It wouldn’t help to have anything on my bedside to write them down.  The few times such a thing has transpired, the notes are worthless.  They seem like gibberish and I can’t be expect to translate them.

I had an idea for a short story last night about a poor fat man.  He has terrible luck, this man.  Every time he goes to the movies, his popcorn bucket splits at the seam.  No matter what.  And I thoguht this, drifting off to sleep.  Where do we go from here?  Poor man and his popcorn spilling into the aisle.  His life is rather hard.

There is no redemption for this man in sweatpants.  He smells after a few stairs to his apartment whereon he collapses into a pile on the only chair in the room.  How he exists, I do not know.  But he doesn’t really do anything to warrant his horrible luck.  But there is much good luck in the world and much bad luck, and how are Chaos and Order supposed to distribute them fairly?  Well, I guess Chaos just doesn’t care.

This poor piggy man sits down.  His popcorn bucket has split for the thousandth time and so he collapses.  His weight taken by the chair and a spring pops up, stabbing him in the ass.  The man has no insurance, you see.  What is he supposed to do about it?  No one has warned him against high-fructose corn syrup or trans fats, he works at a burger place.  He doens’t know how to problem solve.

What is he going to do about it?

Well, if I were this man, and I’m not, I would laugh at my miserable luck.  I would laugh and then call my folks for help.

But he has no folks!  No, he is a fictional character and wasn’t created with sperm and ova, so he just sits and pouts.  He thinks on the oreos highlighted in the kitchen, the only things he can think of when he thinks of what to eat.  He contemplates why is the way he is.

It’s meta-fiction, you see.  He knows it’s my fault.  His face is read now with indignation.  He is my puppet, I can make him do what I please.  His eyes bulge.  His hands stray to his crotch.  He punches himself there.  And I am cursed now.  I lock his apartment door, cannot let him out.  What he doesn’t know is that his hall closet has a loaded shotgun in it.  There are boxes of shells.  The closet he’s never opened, he doesn’t know what is inside.  It’s locked.  And I must hope he never thinks to break the closet open and see what I have put there.

He’s not me.  He will react in an explosion of anger at his fate and he will take us all out with him, somehow.

And that’s where this idea is headed.  All because of popcorn buckets.

I have been reading the Complete Sherlock Holmes lately.  A large tome containing all of the short stories and the four novels.  Prior to this, I read through a collection of twelve Holmes-related business, including a short story with characters similar to Holmes and Watson.  It was very interesting.

The first Holmes book was “A Study in Scarlet,” and it is fun to read.  As is the next entry, “Sign of Four.”  There are several bits in each that are shockingly horrific from a modern standpoint.  These stories are over a hundred years old, and they seem to have aged a bit.  Examples such as Holmes’ addiction to cocaine and the appearance of a pygmy native from India.

And I wondered, as I read, how well Sherlock is holding up.  Is he being read at all in schools these days?  Is he still as famous as he once was?  As I grew up, everyone knew who Sherlock Holmes was.  Knew with astonishing accuracy.  People unaware of the current president seemed to know.

And low and behold, not one but two movies are being made involving Sherlock.  One is a comedy to star Sacha Baron Cohen and Will Ferrell.  The other is a Guy Ritchie project with Robert Downey, Jr.  Which is a pretty crazy thing to think about.  I suppose he can still live up to modern day thinking.  If we forget about the pygmies, that is.

http://ihatecrocsblog.blogspot.com/

It’s a website!  A website about the plague on our nation.  Rubber shoes called “Crocs.”  Now, this seems mainly to be a fashion-based argument and very few people would be willing to argue that they are anything other than ugly.  But my dislike of Crocs stems from different sources.  Mainly, working at camp.

At camp, we like the kids to wear “Adventure Shoes.”  Sneakers fit the bill best.  Shoes you can run and climb and do just about anything in.  Without fail, a few parents each summer send their child with a pair of flip flops and a pair of Crocs.  And nothing else.

Crocs were not developed for hardcore games of capture the flag, of that I am certain.  But these poor kids race around in them and wonder later why all their toenails have turned black.  They certainly seem to be excellent water shoes, but serve little other purpose.

I understand, too, that they are anti-bacterial in some magic way.  When you first buy them, perhaps.  They have a nice smooth surface bacteria would have a difficulty adhering to.  The last time I checked, though, athlete’s foot was a yeast.  Gross!  One little scratch on the inner surface of these shoes and you’ve got a factory for foot fungus.  Since socks with Crocs is an even worse sin than socks with sandals, it’s only a matter of time before everyone who paid for these things has an infection of epic proportions.

If not for what I consider an expensive tag, I would buy a pair and try them out.  The “it’s comfortable” tagline seems suspect to me.  As mentioned by other folks, they seem to stick to the sole of the foot and give you a weird “Croc walk.”  That doesn’t sound comfortable.  It sounds Uncomfortable.

Well, now I have a place I can go to read other people’s thoughts.  It is strange that footwear could unite us all.